What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
My love for you is like no otter.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
It's ice to meet you.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.