What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.