What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
He’s my pinch charming.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.