My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
"Great minds drink alike."
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
You’re brew-tiful!
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
I followed my heart to you.