What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.