The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
I like you a latke!
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
"Great minds drink alike."
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
You’re brew-tiful!
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.