How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.