What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
Leaf me alone.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.