Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.