What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I hope for world peas.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.