Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
I'm the life of the paddy.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.