A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.