We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”