Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.