If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
Shave a single shingle thin.
My love for you is like no otter.
Have you botany plants lately?
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.