The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
"Eggs-cuse me."
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.