How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
I love you a tot!
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
Sea you at the beach.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.