What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.