Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.