I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
You shamrock my world.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.