Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
I love when you coddle me.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Reading is a novel idea.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!