I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!