If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
I’ll never leaf you.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.