Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.