What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Go big or go gnome.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Rebel without a Claus.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.