Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Case in punt
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
My weekend is fully booked.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
I beg your garden?
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.