How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.