What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.