What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.