Believe in your elf.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
I hope for world peas.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
It takes one to snow one.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.