Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
You snooze. You booze.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.