Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
I wood never leaf you.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
We’re in a-green-ment.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.