Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
Distill my beating heart.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
You seem a little mer-mad.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
Just brew it!
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.