What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
"Dying to have fun."