My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
I always have a souper time with you.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
You have goat to be kidding me.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
Wish upon a starfish.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!