I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
It was mitten in the stars.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Feeling my shelf.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
My love for you is like no otter.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
"Eggs-cuse me."
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.