I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
"Adulting makes me wine."
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.