One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
I feel tail great!
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.