I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.