What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
One trick peony.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel