What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
Ants in your plants.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Vegans really have a beef with meat.