My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
I like your tight end
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.