I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
Pirates Private Property.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Staying humble thanks to that fumble