Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.