What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
"On cloud wine."
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
I find you very a-peeling.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.