Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
"Great minds drink alike."
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.