What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
I love you berry much.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
"Yoda one for me."
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.