If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Snow on and snow forth.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.