What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.