I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Dublin over in laughter.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.