You snooze. You booze.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.