Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Join us for plenty of play action.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.