Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Go big or go gnome.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
Metaphors be with you.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.