It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
"You bake me crazy."
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Summer went swimmingly this year.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.