Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.