What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
This summer is going swimmingly.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Fairies just spell trouble.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.