My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Metaphors be with you.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.