Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
"I wood never leaf you."
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse