My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.