What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.