There’s no reason to wine about you.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
"Alcohol you later."
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.