I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
This summer is going swimmingly.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”