Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"