Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
"You're the wine that I want."
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
That look soots you.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
The calm before the score
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
All punts are highly intended
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!