What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Car puns are really tiring
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
I read dead people.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.