This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
I like your tight end
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.