Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
Get clover it, babe.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!