I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
I love you deerly.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.