Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Drink happy thoughts.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Life is brew-tiful!
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”