When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
"You're the wine that I want."
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good