Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Fishing you a happy day.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.