In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
I think I found my perfect match
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.