"On cloud wine."
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
You are shrimply the best!
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
"That's all, yolks."
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
Treat yo shelves.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.