I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Icy what you did there.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Look for a rainbow connection.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
"You're a real good egg."
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Feeling my shelf.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
Do you comma here often?
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.