What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
"Here for the right riesling."
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.