I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I made a snap decision to watch football today
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
I only have ice for you.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!