What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Water you doing on [date]?
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.