Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
It’s party thyme.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well