What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
In Ireland, I call the shots.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.