Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
I think you're mer-mazing.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
You’re unbeleafable.
I eat eel while you peel eel
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
"I've found some bunny to love."
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Icy what you did there!