I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
You’re my lucky charm.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.