Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.