What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
Water you doing on [date]?
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
Best in snow.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.