Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Books are my kind of texts.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.