What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
I'm snow bored.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
You're my purr-son.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]