What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
"Bone to be wild."
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Football is one habit I will never kick
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.