Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
"On cloud wine."
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.