Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
I pitcher us together forever.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
I only have ice for you.
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
Skiing is believing!