Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
"Time to wine down."
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.