After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.