Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
You seem a little mer-mad.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!