Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
I’m rooting for you!
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
Some people like to play croc-quet.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station