I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.