What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Paddy like a rockstar.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.