What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
You met all of my koala-fications
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Prepare to be bowled over.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.