I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Herb your enthusiasm.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
You are spud-tacular.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.