What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!