What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Sleigh, what?!
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.