Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!