Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.