What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
You are un-beer-lievable!
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.