What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
Yule be sorry.