What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
It’s snow joke.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
I eat eel while you peel eel
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
For instant fun, just add water.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
"Dying to have fun."
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
We’re traveling winter-nationally.