What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.