I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Car puns are really tiring
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.