“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
"You're a real good egg."
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.