Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
These decorations are tree-mendous.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
"Alcohol you later."
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
I’m elf-taught.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.