What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
You knead me in your loaf.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
The ocean made me salty.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.