Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
How Rudolf you to say that!
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!