What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.