I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.