Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
Keep calm and carrot on.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
Tis the sea-sun.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Say it ain’t snow.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.