When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
I beg your garden?
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
I'm snow bored.