Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm