I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
One more thyme.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
Some bunny loves you.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!