What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.