What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
Time to spruce things up.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
I call the shots.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.