What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
You’re my pot of gold.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.