There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.