My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!