What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
I love you deerly.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
I read dead people.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.