Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
We’re a perfect mash.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!