The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.