A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....