How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
"I wood never leaf you."
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
Yoda one for me!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!