You don't know jack-o-lantern
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.