What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
Sips getting real.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
"Just one hot chick."
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Your good seed for the day.