What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
Poor white splash.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!