An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
You met all of my koala-fications
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
I love you deerly.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?