I beacha miss summer already!
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
It’s snow joke.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.