Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
"Say you'll be wine."
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."