One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Seed between the lines.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
You mermaid to go far.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Say it ain’t snow.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.