Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.