What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
More candles means a bigger wish!
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
Keep calm and carrot on.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Water you doing on [date]?
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.