Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
I eat eel while you peel eel
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.