What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.