I came, I thaw, I conquered.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
I can heartly wait to see you.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.