I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Goat milk?
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
"Dying to have fun."
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
That crazy little sun of a beach.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp