What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
That look soots you.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
"For peep's sake."
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
She has high elf-esteem.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!