What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.