Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak