I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
For instant fun, just add water.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.