I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
"It's wine o'clock."
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.