What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
I’m soy
into you.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.