What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
I wood never leaf you.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!