What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."