Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
I love you so fairy much.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.