Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Some bunny loves you.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.