What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”