A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
I’m soy
into you.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
They say everything gets better with age.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.