I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
"Aloe you vera much."
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!